I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
