I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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