i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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