tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Are my feet made of real feet?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
