Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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