he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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