I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
