two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
