So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
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Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
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damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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