So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him