Soap is not a condiment
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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