I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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