I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
