i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
