Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
