My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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