That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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