I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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