our cab driver is having phone sex.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
