I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
