Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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