Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
