Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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