i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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