dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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