Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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