I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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