Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
