Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
