I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
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I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize