Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i love accidental penises.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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