We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
