apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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