Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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