i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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