Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
