at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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