i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
