Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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