he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
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trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
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I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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