He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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