i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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