My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
