I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
