On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
