i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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