I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
