You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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