he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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