i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
