some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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