we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
