New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
