also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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