If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
