just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My liver just had a heart attack.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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