I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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