I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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