my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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